Monday, August 30, 2010

most people travel on one long path one road with no idea where it ends and no concept as to how they got on it to begin with. i have never done that. i have always seen all of the other paths around me and sometimes when i get blinded by the other passengers on this road i forget to stop and look around me.

but this, this, was one of those days, one of those times in my life when i stopped the car and not only looked around but got out and saw the long horizon drawn before me. this road did not lead to where i needed to be, it had no happy ending or house with a white picket fence at the end of it and the baby in the backseat, carefully buckled in for her bumpy ride with me needed more than this journey could give her.

i stood at a crossroads and running on empty i had a choice to make. and that was the day the moment i made it.

that was the day that Scott was going to leave my life and the man-child that my daughter Sarah called daddy for the last 3 years was not going to be luggage any more. sometimes people need to see where they have been to get to where they need to be, and today we where turning around and taking that detour.

the bills didn't get paid and with winter threatening the autumn skies, the electric company had turned my heat off for the second time and it was back to heating the apartment with the oven. I couldn't pay the bills with out Scott's income, as small as it was it did make a difference and i had no plan on how i would survive this. his many months of getting high on blow where starting to take a toll on all of us and this was the second time his stupid ass lost his licence and the police came knocking with a warrant for a no show. so the fact that we didn't have heat and had no plan was ok, compared to his bullshit.

no, this was not where i was going to stay, we deserved better and i had glimpsed better. i had seen what love is supposed to look like and how a man is supposed to behave, whatever in the hell that means. i needed to be saved and i was going to wave my flag at the white knight that i knew would come riding in.

Jason and i have been working together for about two years now. and he has come to know me almost as well as i know myself. he was a friend and great fuck and he listened to me, he would just sit and listen to me talk about Scott and his idiotic behavior and Michael and how he never really left my life though i near destroyed him and left him with scars so deep i doubted he would ever recover. he listened to it all, he got my heat turned on when i needed it and sat with me when i worked late to make sure that i was safe. he even saved me several times on work mistakes that i made in my greenness on the job that i was deeply unqualified to do. he had been saving me all along but not until that day on the road when i pulled the car over could i see him there on the other path that led away from this coke in the freezer smoke filled apartment of the adolescent I still was and the woman I wanted to be.

on that day she came, she being his ex, the girl that spent all of his days at college with him and was the object of his affections up until about a year ago. her name was Marcy, she was attractive with an athletic build, and had long plain brown hair with a natural beauty about her. and when he looked at her i could see what love was supposed to look like and he was going to give it to me.

he was the one that i wanted the one that could love me the way i wanted, no, needed to be loved and he, was going to save me and when i looked down that road i could see where it ended up and that is where i thought i wanted to be. i needed the craziness to stop and i needed to move these burdens from my shoulders and his shoulders were broad and strong and could carry the weight of all i came with.

his black hair and large build loomed above me and made me feel small and protected. and when i did finally look into his green eyes i could see the love there that i would have.

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