Last night seemed to be an ok night, although i could feel the demons creeping in the shadows from the edge of my brain calling even more to me that day as they had been neglected for several days now. I should have known that it would end the way it did but i chose to pretend that i could hold them in the corners for another day until i could find some quiet time to sit and visit with them.
I was wrong, i was wrong and once again my kids...yes, i have kids (lots of them) and my husband, my rock, the one who helps to keep my feet planted on this plane, get to witness my brains oozing out of my ears and the long winded speeches filled with profanities about how overwhelmed i am and how much i hate my life.
he only ever tries to make me happy, everything he does is to put a smile on my face and it is never good enough and i tell him this every time my mind looses it's grip and every pore in my body aches to run away.
what he doesn't know is that i could never run away, there would be no life for me without him and the kids...they are so entwined in who i am they are what keep me from completely loosing myself to the shadows that crawl around inside.
I know he doesn't understand this i know he never sits with friends and hates there simple conversations or longs to feel the stimulation that a good philosophical discussion can give you. i know that he never looks at people and sees the true beauty or ugliness that lurks beneath.
i don't just see it i feel it... i feel it all the time i hear the words that people say and i feel what they really mean underneath. i look out my window and see entire poems that spring up in my head racing so quickly there is no way to get it down.
the constant distractions of parenthood are burdens to me, they should not be burdens...they should not feel like worthless intrusions on my life...but to often they do. i hate me for that. i wish so often to be simple to think simply to want to only fill my life with couponing, and carpools, cub scouts, and PTO, but i don't....
he hates me right now....i can feel it...he hates himself for loving me so much...how could he of let this happen. how could someone so strong and balanced love someone so damaged. he wanted a wife and mother for his children, a home maker, he thought that was what he was getting. instead he got me.
i don't know how to fix me. for so long i pretended that the shadows weren't there ignoring the longing and it would crop up in lengthy bouts of depression every so often...times when nothing was right and nothing was happy. i know now that i can not ignore it any more and this melding of the two will not be an easy one. stitch by stitch i will unify the side of me that sits with the shadows and the side that sits at the PTO meeting, i promise.
i am trying.
please don't stop loving me.