Sunday, August 16, 2009

(part 3)---(scroll down and read 1 and 2 firtst)

The clock moves so slowly when anticipation is snapping at your heals....and the first trimester would as irony or fate would have it be artfully timed with the stay here at Grandma's house as if to play out in some wry comedy. Jason hates me, he hates that I am having a baby he doesn't want and hates that his life has now moved beyond his control. Suddenly he finds himself thrust down a path that he could hardly conceive and so the best he could come up with in his adolescent heart is just raw hatred. Lust and hate to closely linked and often to entwined for me to resist.

The first time i saw Jason was during his freshman year . His thin hipped tall figure loomed above me though I was two years his senior and while it was not the coolest of things to do; date the freshman, there was no denying the pull his deep set blue eyes had on me. the way they would smile with his face pushed up into there own grins by his high cheekbones.

after the phone calls and pointless discussions with both he and his family our lives did not simply or cleanly part ways, that summer was spent busily manipulating friends, forming alliances ... who would stand at his side or mine ... several late night phone calls of me hoping to get from him more than he was capable of giving; not much more than a good lay.

"What do you want, why did you call me here in the middle of the night." the disdain for me was so thick in his voice and yet there we stood in the moonlight of Grams backyard. His anger so deep...why would he come, walk the 3 miles from the other side of town at 1am ...why else...

"I am the best fuck you will ever have, you don't need to admit it because I can feel it when you touch me, and though you hate me you want me so badly you can taste it welling up in your mouth like the acid from your stomach." why else would he come, because through all that bitterness his cock still rules his head, he is 15 after all.

"I hate you" and as the words leave his lips in a hiss he presses his full mouth to mine with all the furry, and lust of a man two times his age. What he is feeling now makes him hate himself, makes him hate me more.

Our entire relationship was built on desire and the unspoken chemistry that was so thick when we were together. Our bodies fit together so completely that with every thrust he brought me near orgasm and the moans that to often filled his adolescent room could be heard throughout the emptiness of his dysfunctional home. Was it complete naivety or just a secret longing that I would get pregnant ... something that would fill up the void that had grown in me since childhood.

this would not be the last time he would come to me when i call, never embracing me, but he never turns me away. desperate for him, his touch, his love, i will take what i can get.

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