Wednesday, July 1, 2009

random thoughts, of half consciousness (part 1)

dozing off tonight my mind as usual started in on overdrive, a flurry of thought begetting my already exhausted and now drugged body of any sleep at all. the little blue pill that swam happily down to the pit of my stomach should be well dissolved and yet here we are, together, at last, you the reader, my body, and my mind swirling with delusional art, lude sex acts and painful childhood experiences. somewhere some freudian or maybe not even a freudian, perhaps just a decent connect -the- dot -psyche.d just read that last line and thought hmmm.....If I need to point it out to you then you have missed the connection and it isn't worth the explanation as I am sure that it will all come pouring out for the interested and the equally uninterested to read and interpret into there own truth.
what i was really thinking about tonight in my ambien haze...which i have so come to covet, is about that time, back at home in my mom's kitchen, we were packing yet again to move I think that this move in particular was move number 9 or 10, lost track but nonetheless it was another packing and unpacking up of our lives. the sense of permanency had been long lost as my mother had no idea who she was and so therefore neither did we. Moving every year to a new town or a new home in the same town or depending on how bad the finances we would just go back home to grandma Edie's home on Harper st. the house we all new, nearly instinctually from birth that it was the home that grandpa built.
but the house i was packing now was to move back home to grandma's house so this was not so bad, out of all the places we had been, home had to turn up somewhere. My job at 17 and oh yeah, did i forget to mention pregnant, was pretty much all of the packing. Mom working full time and a half was often to exhausted, to cranky to play little house on the prairie so I started doing some of the "motherly" things . food shopping, paying the bills, and balancing the check book became my newly assigned hobbies. cleaning was something my sister and i always split and she and i took care of all cleaning by sat. or risk getting grounded, we never finished on time, she would ground us and then within 4 hours change her mind, perhaps that is why my parenting skills are lacking today.
I am sure that i have lost the point of what it was that i was thinking here it is.
Maryanne my mothers friend was there helping me pack up the kitchen, you know being pregnant and all, she was upset this day because her husband and her were in one of the many valleys of marriage. I recognized her pain and I laid claim to intimately know the kind of pain it is; to equally love and hate someone, the pit it burns in your stomach is indescribable. but it is there in the bottom of that pit that I in my own moments of wretched blackness reached down so deep into myself to find that light that lives in each of us. in the beginging it flickers so softly that you fear one more breath, one more tear will extinguish it. grab hold of it, breathe life into it and that will illuminate your way through the darkest of days allowing you to cotinue to move forward and by moving forward you heal. that is what at 17 i shared with my mother's 38 year old friend. because some how even through her own divorce from her first husband she did not know this. it takes the blackest of days to see your inner light shine and even then you must seek it out. sevenfuckinteen....and i knew this, i had found it and now knew that i was strong enough to have the little one growing in me. thank you brian for all that preceeded this baby, as that gave me the strength to have her alone and face the prying eyes.

i have always had a very detached view of my life looking at it from the outside in as if turning the pages of my own book. some chapters are very colorful, shameful, deeply sexual and there are some that are boring, but one thing they never are is ordinary. you wont find any of that here, but maybe just maybe you may find a little of your self here, the dark and twisty side that makes you chuckle at the not so funny things, or you may cry because someonelse has felt pain like that too. If you read this and can't relate at all check your pulse, and read some other blog that has practical advice on who the fuck knows what!
we have only touched on the tip of this titty my friend....maybe you will stick around for full on cutllingus on our next date. sweet dreams. wow, ambien is kickin my ass....

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