Saturday, April 24, 2010

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on my blog, not that the handful of followers would notice. This is more of a diary of sorts, than a blog I guess as there are no daily, weekly and at times monthly updates about my life, my writing, my thoughts....I do however have many, many unpublished entries on here that never make it to the publish page. They have been deemed unreadable by me and so therefore stay locked in the closet of lost drafts and random thought.

There are these long quiet times when my mind is so at ease that not a creative thought crosses it's path and then there are times when I will go days with out rest, without a quiet moment inside the confines of my own mind. When I will close my eyes and the colors will leap and swirl and combine to create an endless story but those times seem to come few and far between lately and I feel sad and lost without it, I am sad when my mind is quiet.

Always looking for something else, always searching for that one thing that may ignite my soul and let me get lost inside of myself. Always reaching for someone to understand the feeling that crawls under my skin when I can't, won't write.

Where does inspiration birth from, is it some captured memory like the fire fly in the glass, or does it move with the wind from place to place with me not far behind trying to catch it in my net? I don't know, I wish I had the answer, do you?

Tonight it is so peaceful here in the dark with only the glow of my laptop and the flickering candle. The breeze is cool and the gentle rain is lightly tapping on the roof of the canopy I sit under....I hate being alone, writing is an odd passion for someone that hates being alone. Even now with the company of the wind, the trees and Bob Marley I write to some imaginary friend, because I hate being in my head.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Selfish Mommies Club

The distractions are innumerable and the excuses well, they too are never ending. I used to, no, I still say "we make time for the things that are important to us"; that was generally in response to the fellow mom, inquiring with part cynicism and part awe just how did I make time to do the things that are for me, the things that don't involve my kids. They always wanted to know, mostly this came from a place with subtle disdain. Most mommies hate other mommies that "do things for themselves" they say they don't but they do, because it makes them feel like less, as it should. It reminds them for even the briefest of moments that they used to be someone other than just that....a mommy. That there was a time when their days did not entirely rotate around their children, the house, the bills, there was a time when they had dreams of greater things for themselves that somehow got lost in those messy ponytails, dirty little faces, dirty floors, and the needs of everyone else. They secretly hate the mom that flaunts her selfishness as a badge of honor just as proud of it as her son was of that cub scout badge or her daughter of her swimming trophy, all things she helped them earn while being selfish. We all, well, not all but most start out with this predetermined dream of what it is that we are supposed to want, kids, a house on a hill, two cars, and a husband that leaves at 6am and returns at 7pm with his big fat pay check in hand. This is what we see on TV in some variant or other and isn't this the dream the mini-van, or maybe you kid yourself by being one of those non-minivan driving mommies, whatever it is you drive you are here. When did you become one of the secret haters of the selfish moms club?

I am in that club and I do flaunt it like some imaginary badge. I wave it in the face of the mommies that sit at dance class and every week only talk about their children's allergies and what to do at the next girl scout meeting. I sit and I read Hunter S. Thompson, one week back turned to the chitter chatter of empty space. I write on my laptop and keep busy little fingers from touching the keys, I go and get my huge latte with it's double shot and between chapters check up on the three year old blissfully prancing away in her dance class. Every now and again I will engage them in conversation that always ends the same way with me bored and checked out in about 4 lines of dialogue. I usually stop asking questions at that point in hopes that their interest in me will doesn't.

I yell at my kids and make them clean their rooms and go on the occasional hike or walk with them. I don't really like the outdoors much, my husband likens me to a cat...I like to just sit in the big comfy chair in the sun, not really work up any kind of a sweat. They mostly keep themselves entertained and are incredibly self sufficient, and for that I am proud. If you are a mom then you know what a huge accomplishment that is. Most mommies at the price of themselves dote over, and involve themselves in all that their children do. Selfish mommies do this as well, just less and we know the art of turning helpless spoiled needy children into self sufficient, independent , well mannered, little people.

I make the occasional PTO appearance but for the most part when asked the answer is "NO" because I can think of about a thousand other things I would rather be doing with any amount of spare time that I create. Did you catch that? "I create" that's right selfish mommies always know how to "create free time" . Like right now, I should be doing the dishes, washing the floor, planning dinner, laundry, the list goes on and on, but what am I doing, I am writing I am doing that selfish thing, I am doing something that is only about me and by doing that it is all about them.

At the end of the day when I have had my selfish mom time I enjoy my Mommy time with them so much more completely, and can appreciate what they have accomplished on their own during my selfish time. I show them by doing that it is important to be true to yourself and that mommy is so much more than just "mommy".